Random duck in the yard:

Hello. I am a central Pennsylvania duck. My job every spring is to scope out all the ponds in town so that my girl friend and I can have some adorable, fuzzy ducklings. Unfortunately the best pond in town is what I have now started calling the pond of horrors. Read on to know why and hopefully you will agree with me.

We ducks are excellent at flying despite our huge bodies. A couple of years back my girlfriend and I were out on a date flying around and we found this awesome, huge pond. Its all natural, no chemicals, so we loved it and decided to have our ducklings there. My girlfriend is big into unobstructed views and we had it all here. Or so it seemed.

Unfortunately it was not to be. Unlike all the other ponds and backyards in town, this pond is heavily used. Firstly, the humans that come with the pond are always outside in the yard. And I mean, always. The mom is out digging in the grass for hours on end, pulling weeds, cutting this and that or digging. What she hopes to find in the depths of the yard is anyone’s guess. Then there are the two human girls who hang out there rather than spending time in their huge house watching the big screen that many other humans stay glued to, while we the ducks take over the pond.

When the human girls are not there, there’s a big monster dog named Rosie who stands in the shallow end of the pond, staring at the pond and thinking about the meaning of life for hours on end. I don’t get it. Leave the pond to the water creatures, for Pete’s sake.

When Rosie the dog leaves, its the chickens that are pecking about and giving us the death stare. Trust me, it is a romance killer to have those unblinking eyes staring us down. Once I even saw a couple of chickens in the water. Now hold on, these land birds should stick to their territory.

Then there’s their terrifying young monster boy dog named Kylo. When my girlfriend and I are finally trying to have some alone time together, in he comes in a tearing rage. He runs all around, barking and biting in the air until we have to leave. It’s such a waste of this lovely pond.

Sadly my girlfriend broke up with me this year after having patiently tried to make this pond work for many years. The other day I decided to come here for some alone time and to plan my future. But it was not to be. The older human girl came tearing out to chase me away. She took a water gun and tried to spray water on me. Now in the past, I flew off whenever this happened. But I no longer do that, reason being I finally thought it out. Hey, my butt is already wet, so what’s a few more drops of water? But then, horror struck.

The human girl pushed something in the water. I looked carefully and it was another duck. I was so excited. I thought, things are finally turning around and the human girl is sending me a new girlfriend. But it was not to be. As the duck approached, I found that she had no head! Yikes. And to top it all, she was followed by three ducklings, but they were on their side, heads in water. They were obviously dead! My eyes popped 6 inches out of my head before I decided finally that I had had enough of this pond. I give up. I am leaving this pond of horrors for good. Adieu all you living and dead creatures. If you don’t believe my story, check out the picture I took of this headless duck.

Kylo Ren the dog:

Bark bark. Go away, random duck and NEVER come back. Hmph. My pond. The duck took too much space writing his musings. Let me tell you about my day so far. This morning my Papa wanted to go upstairs for a shower. He asked me if I wanted to come along and hang outside the shower door while he showered.

Now unlike my usual decisive self, I stood at the door for a minute wondering what to do. So he took off and shut the door behind him. As soon as he left, I was aware that I had made the biggest mistake of the day. So I found Papa’s sock and ran with it in my crate, as a replacement for the original Papa. Of course, mom saw what I was doing and followed me to the crate and took away my sock. I was sulky. But to make up for it, she made the bed in my crate nice and fluffy. Aww, mom is not so bad!

Before I conclude, random duck speaks the truth about one thing. There are dead ducks and ducklings in the pond. I have seen them too. The other day I jumped up on the bed in the den when no one was looking. I like to do this so that I can scope out the backyard to look for any intruders. When I saw the pond, my heart stopped. For there was a duck, headless. Behind this duck, were three fluffy, cute ducklings, unaware of their parents’ obvious mutilation. But when I looked carefully, these ducklings had fallen over on their sides with their heads submerged under water. I tried to tell Leena, but she just laughed it off calling them plastic. Whatever that means. Sometimes Leena has a dark side that I wonder about. Ulp, I better go sleep on my favorite comfort pillow.